A few weeks ago I took Aiden in to see my psychologist. Things have been so crazy this past year, and so much of what I am dealing with is the result of childhood trauma, that I wanted to kind of have a "mental health check-up" for him. Well, that and he has been asking to go for a long time. I have explained to him often how much my therapist helps me, and he thinks it is awesome. He wanted an appointment of his own. I thought that was darling.
After his session, I sat down with the psychologist to get her thoughts. She said he was a very happy and loved little boy with an impressive emotional vocabulary. That last part made me giggle, because it is so true - having a mom in therapy for a year has an upside I guess. Then she hesitated slightly, and led with the phrase "I don't want to freak you out..." and my heart dropped into my stomach. She explained that she was concerned about his speech, and that she believes he is likely autistic.
The autism part actually did not freak me out at all. I was more zeroed in on the speech issues, because it is something that had been nagging at me a bit - but I kept telling myself he would outgrow it. Which actually shocks me for a couple of reasons. I had speech therapy as a child and am a big fan of it. I am also all about wanting to make sure Aiden has all the support he needs. So, why have I hesitated to consider this? I definitely felt guilt creeping in.
After we went on to my session and I was driving home, I started to think about the autism thing more. Was Aiden really autistic? I wasn't sure. I reached out to my sister-in-law, who has an autistic daughter, and then started reading while I waited to hear back from her. I was amazed to find that the more I read the more I realized I had completely overlooked the idea that what I often referred to as Aiden being "quirky" and "intense" might be something more. At the time, I felt a bit of relief. Having a name for what we have been dealing with gave me hope that maybe I could learn better ways to help.
There were several days of reading and discussions with Matt as we continued to consider all of this, and during this time I was of the belief that it didn't really change anything. It was always on my mind, and I was constantly seeing things in a new light, but it wasn't a big deal... until it was. Eventually I felt like I was seeing only the challenges because I couldn't stop looking for confirmation. Suddenly things felt overwhelmingly hard.
Last night, I feel like I kind of hit a wall with all of this. I felt such intense guilt about the fact that I had not seen this sooner. I found my heart breaking for my incredibly sweet boy who has a desire to love everyone but struggles with the finer points of relationships. I hate that he has this set of challenges. Nothing has really changed, but everything feels different. Motherhood has been my greatest joy, and such an anchor during all of the trials of the past few years, and suddenly things don't really make sense anymore.
My sister-in-law has been a lifeline for me, and she definitely helped me last night with all of this inner turmoil. It isn't easy, though. She wisely pointed out that it will take time for me to work through all of this. That seems to be the story of my life right now. Therapy is all about working through things and trusting the process even when I am so very frustrated that I think I will never be okay. I guess this will be more of the same. That sounds a bit bitter, and maybe it is. I am most definitely weary right now. I am trying to keep things in perspective, but really all I want to do is cry.
Like I said, nothing has really changed. Aiden is still an amazing boy who makes life so full of joy and hope and love. Homeschooling means that we can continue to work through these things as a family and support his unique strengths. We will be seeing a speech pathologist soon to get that ball rolling. I know that in the end things are going to be okay because God knew exactly what He was doing when He created my amazing child. And yet... there is a part of me that wants to go back a couple weeks and just not know.
I want to not know that the things I thought he would "outgrow" are not quite so simple. Not know that he is going to have to work extra hard to learn how to navigate this crazy world we live in. Not know that I have missed years of giving him the extra support he needs. Like I said... things suddenly feel overwhelmingly hard. That is just where I am in this journey right now. It feels a little better to be honest about that.
After his session, I sat down with the psychologist to get her thoughts. She said he was a very happy and loved little boy with an impressive emotional vocabulary. That last part made me giggle, because it is so true - having a mom in therapy for a year has an upside I guess. Then she hesitated slightly, and led with the phrase "I don't want to freak you out..." and my heart dropped into my stomach. She explained that she was concerned about his speech, and that she believes he is likely autistic.
The autism part actually did not freak me out at all. I was more zeroed in on the speech issues, because it is something that had been nagging at me a bit - but I kept telling myself he would outgrow it. Which actually shocks me for a couple of reasons. I had speech therapy as a child and am a big fan of it. I am also all about wanting to make sure Aiden has all the support he needs. So, why have I hesitated to consider this? I definitely felt guilt creeping in.
After we went on to my session and I was driving home, I started to think about the autism thing more. Was Aiden really autistic? I wasn't sure. I reached out to my sister-in-law, who has an autistic daughter, and then started reading while I waited to hear back from her. I was amazed to find that the more I read the more I realized I had completely overlooked the idea that what I often referred to as Aiden being "quirky" and "intense" might be something more. At the time, I felt a bit of relief. Having a name for what we have been dealing with gave me hope that maybe I could learn better ways to help.
There were several days of reading and discussions with Matt as we continued to consider all of this, and during this time I was of the belief that it didn't really change anything. It was always on my mind, and I was constantly seeing things in a new light, but it wasn't a big deal... until it was. Eventually I felt like I was seeing only the challenges because I couldn't stop looking for confirmation. Suddenly things felt overwhelmingly hard.
Last night, I feel like I kind of hit a wall with all of this. I felt such intense guilt about the fact that I had not seen this sooner. I found my heart breaking for my incredibly sweet boy who has a desire to love everyone but struggles with the finer points of relationships. I hate that he has this set of challenges. Nothing has really changed, but everything feels different. Motherhood has been my greatest joy, and such an anchor during all of the trials of the past few years, and suddenly things don't really make sense anymore.
My sister-in-law has been a lifeline for me, and she definitely helped me last night with all of this inner turmoil. It isn't easy, though. She wisely pointed out that it will take time for me to work through all of this. That seems to be the story of my life right now. Therapy is all about working through things and trusting the process even when I am so very frustrated that I think I will never be okay. I guess this will be more of the same. That sounds a bit bitter, and maybe it is. I am most definitely weary right now. I am trying to keep things in perspective, but really all I want to do is cry.
Like I said, nothing has really changed. Aiden is still an amazing boy who makes life so full of joy and hope and love. Homeschooling means that we can continue to work through these things as a family and support his unique strengths. We will be seeing a speech pathologist soon to get that ball rolling. I know that in the end things are going to be okay because God knew exactly what He was doing when He created my amazing child. And yet... there is a part of me that wants to go back a couple weeks and just not know.
I want to not know that the things I thought he would "outgrow" are not quite so simple. Not know that he is going to have to work extra hard to learn how to navigate this crazy world we live in. Not know that I have missed years of giving him the extra support he needs. Like I said... things suddenly feel overwhelmingly hard. That is just where I am in this journey right now. It feels a little better to be honest about that.
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